Thoughts of a Working Man

In the weeks and months after I lost that job I liked so much, I had this recurring dream that they called me, apologized, and offered me my old job back. In the dreams, my responses varied. At first, I was too hurt to take it back. That attitude soon changed to one of negotiating terms such that I wouldn't be taken by surprise again. One thing remained, though, and it remains to this day; I'd go back there if I could.

That sounds stupid at first take. For one thing, the place I'd be going back to would be changed. Most, but not all, of my friends were in the layoff. And, from what I've heard from my friends who are still there, the layoffs, particularly the way they were handled, were a shock and source of mourning to those who were spared. So the workplace and the people have changed a lot.

I've changed, too. I used to pour my heart into my work. The documents and web sites I created were an expression of me as much as they were of the work. Perhaps I even got a bit proprietary about it all.

Since that job ended, in both the previous position and in my current one, I don't allow myself to get too attached to anything or anyone. Eventually, they'll let me go. Even if they offer me a permanent position, I'll still believe that I'll be let go before I can retire. And I'll still keep an emotional distance from the others.

# posted by Tom @ 11:43 AM 0 comments

It sounds stupid, doesn't it, to be grieving a job? But I have been for over a year and a half. It's was two jobs back, and it was the longest I'd worked at any job in my career. I had planned to retire from that job in another ten years, but it wasn't to be.

It was 9:00 am on the first Monday in April 2004. I'd been at work for an hour and a half. My boss came by to take me to some meeting. I hadn't known anything about a meeting, but it wasn't that unusual for something to come up, so I tagged along.

I should have realized something was wrong when we went to an area of the building that was being remodeled and into an office where a senior member of HR was waiting. I should have realized, but I didn't.

I was no sooner in the door and in a chair when they dropped the bomb on me. The manager delivering the news was nervous. I was too stunned to react. I was literally stunned.

They told me about the severance package and what things could they get me from my cube? That brought me out of it a bit. I couldn't even go back to my cube to get my lunch? No, they'd get it for me. It was to save me the humiliation of seeing my now former co-workers, or so they said.

To show you how much shock I was in, I asked about the web server I administered. Did they need me to pass along any information to whoever would be taking it over?

No, they did not.

What about the other members of the Documentation Team? They weren't getting rid of all of us, were they?

They wouldn't answer any questions about who was staying and who was going.

It was a clean break. It felt like a bullet to the head. One minute you're there and the next minute you're gone. No transition. No goodbyes. Nothing. One minute you're starting a new work week; the next you're standing in the parking lot, alone wondering what to do with your day.

It was the most brutal thing I've ever experienced.

For weeks after it happened, I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking of something about the job I should tell my replacement only to realize that I had no replacement. They had taken the whole doc. team. We were not only expendable; we were not important enough to replace.

I still think about that day and that job. I never got to say goodbye to my coworkers. I have seen and commiserated with my fellow doc. team members, and we still keep in touch. But the others in the company, the department. It's as if I died that day. Only I'm still alive, and it's as if they died. Certainly the job died. And it's almost 20 months since it happened, and I still miss it. It's not as bad as in the beginning; time has a way of being kind about such things, I guess. But I still miss it.

That was when I decided that there was no such thing as a permanent job. It doesn't matter whether I'm working on contract or as an employee. I can be discharged at any time, without notice. (We never heard a word that layoffs were coming. They had good security on that one.)

# posted by Tom @ 9:10 PM 0 comments

I’ve decided to keep a journal of my thoughts about my work. While there may be some comments on my current work environment or colleagues, this is really about me and how I see the work I do in relation to the wider world in which I live.

The first place to start—and the thought that has energized the creation of the journal—is with my realization that as a Technical Writer I am viewed as a luxury item in the places where I work. It’s not that I don’t bring a lot of skills to the workplace, nor is it that my skills are not recognized. It’s just that the way the workplace has evolved, my talents and skills are not considered essential to the organizations for whom I’ve been working.

Everybody needs documentation: tutorials, help files, user manuals, reference materials, operating instructions. This need is recognizable and recognized. However, generally these days it is recognized as an adjunct to the primary need to get the product out.

Perhaps part of my problem is that, including my present employment, each of my previous three jobs has been for a department that developed its product for in-house use. They don’t deliver their product to outside customers. I think when the ‘customers’ of software are within the same overall organization as the development unit there is a feeling that ‘good enough’ is good enough.

And perhaps it is good enough. Within an organization, users have access to developers. Often developers will do some ad hoc training or even write something down about an application or feature that gets passed around and serves as both documentation and training. And if an organization is happy with that, who am I or anyone else to suggest otherwise to them?

Still—and this is the real issue for me—seeing myself as the past three organizations have seen me, as a luxury, doesn’t make me feel particularly wanted or useful or like I’m doing anything they really value. I’m not talking about the realization that others can be hired to replace me. What I’m talking about is the realization that if I’m not around to do my job, I’m not apt to be replaced at all.

That’s what happened at my last two jobs. In one, I was part of a 20% staff reduction that eliminated the whole documentation group. As far as I know, the work we were doing is not being done by anyone else. Some of the people I’ve stayed in touch with have lamented that, but management has not seen fit to even reassign some of the responsibilities to others. I guess it wasn’t a priority anymore, and that’s not just a low priority, that’s not even on the list.

My most recent job, prior to my current job, was to do some training materials for an IT organization. Long before I completely finished that job, they made noises about wanting to keep me around, but they had nothing for me to do. I literally spent the last six weeks I was there reading library books. I finally left in disgust. (Hey, I can skate with the best of them; I’m doing that now in fact. But when it’s a crappy environment and physically uncomfortable enough that I’d rather be doing nothing at home, that becomes very hard for me to stick with it.)

My current job came about only because a key member of the development team was leaving after a dozen years, and they wanted to capture her expertise before she left. Then it was determined that I had done well enough with that assignment that they had a few others they wanted me to do. I have no doubt, though, that if the budget continues to tighten, I’ll be told I’m not being renewed. I’m a luxury they can do without.

That feeling doesn’t do a lot for my self-esteem at the moment. I’m 56 years old. I don’t plan to be working in ten more years. I plan to be retired, and by retired I don’t mean working at a fast food restaurant or grocery store. I mean not working at all for my daily bread. (I might work a couple of days a week at a golf course as a starter or ranger for free golf.)

What I need, though, is something to do that makes me feel useful to society. I’ve been looking into what I can do to help with poverty eradication. I strongly believe that we need to attack the conditions of poverty if we’re going to improve society. Poverty breeds more poverty. A person in poverty over breeds for the resources at their disposal, and this creates more children who are disadvantaged and need help to be productive human beings. That’s what I’m looking at currently.

As this journal unfolds, I’ll have more to say on this topic, I’m sure. I also want to talk about the workplace. I work in the white collar world of computers and cubicles, and I don’t find a lot of people talking about how demoralizing it is.

# posted by Tom @ 10:46 AM 0 comments